This past week hubby and I have been getting up between 5 and 5:30. His reason is to get to work earlier so he can come home earlier and have more time with the boys. My reason is to ground my day. I have been amazed at the blessing that scant half hour has been. I have noticed less emotionally charged reactions throughout my day and a more quiet and gentle spirit. Some mornings I actually get a shower also. Its incredible the difference in a day when I’ve gotten a shower, a cup of coffee and time with God before the kiddos come bounding down the stairs.
Anyway, Sunday morning was especially sweet. God put the light bulb on as I read the days reading in Sarah Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling. The first thing I read through sleepy eyes was this:
“Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life.”
Woah. I read it a second time and realized that all my striving and trying to help Big bro has been so that my life would be less problem-free and painful. Yes, I desperately want to help him have a better life and break generational bonds, freeing him from being mistreated and mistreating others. I want him to be able to function successfully in school and later as an adult and love the Lord with all his heart, soul and mind. But what I really want right now is my life to be easier.
She goes on to explain:
See, it’s not the research and problem solving that is the problem. Those are good and necessary things for parenting and raising my boys for the Lord. It is good and necessary to strive for happy and obedient children, for a peaceful home and a family that loves to be together. The problem is in my motivation. My heart has been demanding solutions selfishly, I wanted my pain to stop and my life to be easier.
Further on in the devotional I read:
“Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world,
pour your energy into seeking me: the Perfect One.”
I have been praying for wisdom so that I can have perfection in the here and now of this fallen world. I have been praying for wisdom and then seeking it from other places. I have poured my energy into seeking answers in the world’s wisdom but neglected to fully seek the Lord.
God has been creating a shift in my heart in the past few weeks and I have felt things changing. He has been softening my heart, shifting my desire from wanting my way to wanting His will in my life. I am sure the change in me is because I have been seeking Him, His call and His design. It seems he has been enabling me to use all the things I have been learning, blessing all my efforts and the time spent researching and problem-solving.
All along part of the issue has been my heart- its motivation and where it turned. I am so thankful for all God has done, is doing and has yet to do. Truth be told, God has used big bro and all of the struggles to bring about a change and growth in me. I can truly say there has been blessing in the struggle and can say with Paul that I count it all joy. It feels that we are on the healing side of our ordeal and I can claim Romans 8:27-28, not as a promise but as a promise fulfilled.
He has worked all my struggles for my good, and I know that’s because I love Him and am called according to His purpose. The struggles have resulted in freedom from my anger and selfishness, it was the start of this blog to encourage others through what the Lord is teaching me, and through it all I broke free from some generational bonds. Yes, all of it has worked for my good.
So what God essentially whispered to me Sunday morning was, “Stop seeking perfection…seek Me!!”